Really sorry about this but y’know sometimes you just have to scream into the infinite abyss? (There’s a reference which’ll make sense after reading)

I sort of need to get this out of my system before it kicks in properly. Kinda having my hand/head forced into starting another “meds on” week which I’ve not had to do in a year or so, though it seems like it’s been coming for a while. I think a small part of me hoped I was completely done with it after getting through the tail end of last year and its’ various events without needing anything but shit’s funny like that. The kind of speed/intensity of everything I built up internally over these past six months or so, both good and bad, has really taken me by surprise, I kinda thought I was doing OK but I’ve had a shitload of thinking time in the past couple of days and I’m way too far inside my own head to get a solid sense of perspective on anything, I just need out for a few days for everything to settle.

It’s the first time I’m gonna have to face a work week in this weird neutral zone, the last few times I just faked ill and slept through. One of the side-effects seems to be a lack of ugency though which in my line of work could potentially really fuck something up so I’m gonna have to try hard as shit to focus. Think I’m probably gonna be pretty good at the whole “brave face on it” thing though so I’m feeling ok on that front.

Every time this comes around I question whether feeling nothing is even any better than feeling super down because I don’t get the ups to balance everything out, at least I don’t have to pretend I don’t feel really terrible I guess. It’s probably majorly wanky to identify really strongly with characters in films but these weeks basically turn me into Zach Braff in Garden State. I didn’t realise until I watched it again tonight they’re the same drugs and everything. Huh.

Also it feels like after five years has passed it’s waaaaaay too late to tell people in the real world about this. I’m lucky to have a great family and to know some really incredible people who, for 95% of the year, I love more than I’m ever comfortable admitting out loud, and under normal circumstances I’d be able to convince myself that they’d be fine but I’ve never been able to shake the worry that they’ll totally flip out and start treating me with kid-gloves which isn’t what I need. The only person I ever spoke to about it lives 5000 miles away and I could really, really use a fucking hug or a kind word or something. Man.

“That’s life.

If nothing else, that’s life, you know.

It’s real. Sometimes it fuckin’ hurts.

To be honest,it’s sort of all we have.”

Sorry kids, I promise I’ll post a football GIF or something soon and get off this horseshit.

Guh, turns out I shouldn’t be allowed around real people or the internet.