I was told in the absence of having anyone to chat to face-to-face it’s good to write stuff down, but who writes? It’s not going to be formatted or anything, I’m just going to mind vomit then go and watch Garden State for the fourth time in three days. 

Three days into a five day cycle and I’m learning some pretty interesting things about myself. It seems like a ridiculously obvious thing to say but it’s incredibly surprising how much of your body’s functionality is centered around emotion. I’ve found myself forgetting huge chunks of my day because I don’t have any feeling to link to it. Pretty sure that sentence doesn’t make any sense. A large benefit of this whole deal is to be able to think about things on a purely rational level without emotions clouding judgements over the things that got me down in the first place and it’s nice to be able to view things like that for at least a few days, no matter which areas you sacrifice in other ways. Also, weirdly, I don’t seem to be feeling the cold which is kinda sweet until I go back into the warm and my hands are stinging to fuck. I’ve learned that I’m pretty good at showing emotion when there’s no emotion going on and bloody awful at not showing emotion when there is. Maybe I just need to learn to be more dry. I cracked a pretty good joke earlier though, that was cool, and one of the upsides of having a pretty flat sense of humour.

I sort of miss 99% of music. I’ve tried listening to a bunch of stuff that I normally totally dig but it’s all kind of washing over me. The Glow Pt 2 though, wow.

If I’m picking bright spots in this it’s that I don’t really have a concept of boredom at the moment because I don’t have anything to measure it against so I’m rationally choosing to do a fuckload of stuff I’ve been putting off for ages at work (probably enhanced by this focus stuff I’m taking to help me concentrate, I’m slowly morphing into Bart in that episode of the Simpsons) including some difficult phonecalls. Want to shout at me? Go for it dickhead, I’ll just zone out and come back to you when the line goes quiet. ALSO I’d organised to go on a really ill-advised blind date that I only agreed to because I wasn’t thinking straight which I’ve rightly cancelled now, that’s the last thing I need.

At the tipping point on Saturday night/Sunday morning a fella took a swing at me in a club because I told him to stop letching on my friend who’d already told him to leave her alone a bunch of times. I managed to duck out of most of the impact but I have a bloody cut on my nose which makes me look like a total badass, so that’s cool. Essex boys can’t punch for shit.

Gonna take my last on Thursday afternoon, it normally takes around 24 hours to clear from your system so I’m hoping that’ll give me enough time to balance out before Friday night, if I time it right Justice is going to be shitting amazing. On the other side of the coin I’m totally terrified that it won’t have passed. These things come on in spells of anything from a couple of days to a month. A fucking MONTH. I haven’t had one of those since I was about 17 but that’s gonna suck pretty hard if it happens.

I’m actually more sad/annnoyed about having let myself bottom out like this than I was about the stuff that made me sad in the first place. I keep re-reading that brilliant Stephen Fry letter on depression (http://www.lettersofnote.com/2009/10/it-will-be-sunny-one-day.html) which properly nails the feeling moreso than anything else I’ve ever read but I can’t help but feel a little irritated at myself.

Also, I’ve suddenly become very aware that I actually know some of you IRL, thanks to those of you that sense me really nice messages yesterday, it meant a lot. I’m sorry you found out this way, it’s not that I didn’t want each of you to know but you’ve all got your own personal shit going on at any time and I’ve done OK on my own for the past five years or so. It’s kinda cool knowing that someone else knows now though should I ever need any help. As long as you all know I’m definitely not about to hurl myself off a bridge or go psycho on anyone then that’s good.

Erm, there’s a bunch more I wanted to say that I’ve been thinking about all day but none of it’s coming to me at the moment. I might do another one of these tomorrow, it’s actually kinda nice. Also, I made a GIF earlier which I’m gonna post next, cos y’know, I might be a bit mental but I’m still me.

Holla.

PS If any of you have any like, questions or anything I’m totally cool with entertaining them. Coming to terms with the idea of growing up and talking about it. But I’m not telling my family yet. Ooooooh no.